When I first arrived on the boat, discussions were had over my duties aboard. There was, of course, the business of the locks, but we would not be moving every day. Considering my vegetariansim, Maurice asked if I might also consider taking on the job of quarter master, planning menus and preparing the food. With some trepidation I accepted the task, and while I have not yet performed with what I would call distinction, I have learned quite a bit about the adventure of cooking on board.
Being in charge of food can be difficult in the most advantageous of circumstances, on a boat where you only have electricity every other day, dishes are only ever mostly clean, and your primary audience eats like a picky four year old, it is a harrowing trial. I’ve explained about the electricity issues already, and you’ve probably got some sense of Maurice’s cleaning habits. When he does the dishes it’s usually no more than a rinse, and I have yet to see him use soap or replace the filthy sponges. I’ve chalked it up to strengthening my immune system though. The real trouble is the list of things he won’t eat.
To start with he told me on the very first day he refuses to touch anything with tomatoes, peppers, mushrooms, garlic, olives or vinegar. He doesn’t like nuts, is not a fan of salad, and turns up his nose at any vegetables that aren’t thoroughly cooked. I have since learned that this predilection of his for the states of foods is more troublesome even than the foods themselves. Accepting that peppers and tomatoes are a staple of my stationary diet, even foods we agree on turn into problems. “These carrots are too bendy, those pears are hard as wood.” You’d think for someone living on a decrepit old boat he’d have developed an ability to give and take, and yet he has to be one of the pickiest eaters I have ever met.
He’s not mean about it at least. I have served several meals over which he was less than enthused, and while he wasn’t necessarily grateful for the trouble, he did at least attempt to eat. The quiche was finished, but had a “strange texture.” The pesto sauce on rigatoni, to circumvent his tomato aversion, was unceremoniously scraped aside and the remaining pasta drenched in cheese to overcome the lingering traces of sauce. The falafel wasn’t received too badly. It reminded him of the fish cakes he sometimes makes. Whenever he decides he’s having fruit and toast for dinner though, he does tend to sneer at the plate of raw spinach and string beans I bring out for myself. And he's very proud of the fact that he doesn't eat lentils, not because he doesn't like them, but because they're a hippy food.
I wouldn’t have minded so much if this behavior didn’t make it all seem like more trouble than it was worth. The quiche was done without electricity or a recipe, and the pesto was a three day ordeal to collect all the ingredients and find enough electricity to work the blender. The falafel, also without electricity, had to be mashed and pureed by hand, and boy did my arms hurt the next morning. All of this pickiness, and from an Englishman no less, makes me sometimes think it’s no wonder the country never developed an exportable cuisine. The last time he made a full meal it was a abominable vegetable soup that had to be soaked up with a baguette to be palatable. From his insistence that I have the leftovers, he must have known it as well, not that he would ever admit that tiny shortcoming.
Regardless of all the struggle to feed him, however, it’s nice to have a kitchen, no matter how ill outfitted. I can eat more or less what I like (as long as I've done the shopping), and for the first week or so I was eating quite well. Plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables, yogurt and eggs and beans for protein, spinach for iron, coffee at leisure; it’s instant sometimes, but some things can’t be helped. And then there is the deliciousness that is the bakeries found in every town. That was where my good eating habits started to go down hill.
In rural French villages, you can be sure of finding two things: a church and a bakery. If you’re lucky, there may be a post office. Anything else and it’s a coiffure. But there is always a bakery. When I wander around exploring then it’s all to tempting to stop and buy a baguette, or a croissant, or escargot au raisan, or pain au chocolate. I tried not to eat so much bread, I promise. But it’s France, and the bread is delicious, and eventually I gave up.
As for the other things I’m eating, I’ve included a few vague recipes with some edits alongside so you can see the substitutions I’ve had to make.
------------------------------
STIR FRIED RICE
Ingredients:
Long Grain White Rice
Carrots
Runner Beans
Potatoes
Soy Sauce
Salt & Pepper
Directions: Cook rice, stir fry vegetables in soy sauce until soft, mix together with more soy sauce to taste and serve.
Maurice’s Response: “Is that all?”
CRUSTLESS QUICHE
Ingredients:
4 Eggs
Onion
Carrots
Runner Beans
Cantal Cheese, Shredded from Block
Salt & Pepper
Splash of Milk
Directions: Chop vegetables, grate cheese, beat together with eggs, bake in a greased pie pan for 45 minutes.
Maurice’s Reaction: “I don’t know what this is, but it’s not quiche.”
SOUTHWEST FALAFEL
Ingredients:
15 oz.Pinto Brown Beans
½ cup ShreddedMonterey Jack Cantal Cheese
¼ cupCrushed Tortilla Chips Bread Crumbs
2 Tbsp. Chopped Scallions
1 Tbsp. Chopped Cilantro
⅛ tsp. Ground Cumin
1 Large Egg White
Canola Sunflower Oil
Directions:Blend Mash first seven ingredients in a food processor bowl for one minute half an hour, form into balls, fry in oil.
Maurice’s Reaction: “This reminds me of the tuna fish cakes I sometimes make. Now where’s the main course?”
MACADAMIA NUT PESTO FETTUCCINE
Ingredients:
9 oz.Fresh Fettuccine Bag of Pasta
3 cups Fresh Basil
¼ cupHalf and Half Milk
3 Tbsp. ToastedMacadamia Nuts Peanuts
2 Tbsp. Fresh Lemon Juice
¾ tsp. Salt
¼ tsp. Black Pepper
Grated Parmesan Cheese
Directions: Cook pasta, blend next six ingredients in a food processor, serve with sauce and Parmesan on top.
Maurice’s Reaction: *tastes one fork tine of sauce, silently scrapes off the rest and drenches pasta in three types of cheese*
BLACK BEAN CAKES
Ingredients:
15 oz. canBlack Beans Lentils
3 Eggs
¼ cup Chopped Green Onions
2 Tbsp. Chopped Cilantro
¾ tsp. Ground Cumin
¼ tsp. Salt
¼ tsp. GroundRed Black Pepper
1 clove Minced Garlic
Bread Crumbs
Canola Sunflower Oil
Directions: Blend lentils and 1 egg in a food processor, mix in a bowl with next five ingredients and enough bread crumbs to thicken the mixture enough to form cakes, divide mixture into three or four cakes, bread in remaining bread crumbs, fry in oil. Serve with a fried egg on the side.
Maurice’s Reaction: “I taste something I don’t recognize. And it’s too dry. Needs sauce.”
FALAFEL WITH CUCUMBER YOGURT SAUCE
Ingredients - Falafel:
15.5 oz. Chickpeas
¼ cup Minced Red Onion
1 Tbsp. Dijon Mustard
1 tsp. Ground Cumin
½ tsp. Paprika
¼ tsp. Black Pepper
⅛ tsp. Salt
1 Slice Bread Bread Crumbs
2 Eggs
Directions: Blend all ingredients in a food processor, fry into cakes or, if you can manage it, balls. Serve with cucumber yogurt sauce.
Ingredients - Cucumber Yogurt Sauce:
1 cup Plain Fat-Free Yogurt
½ cup Diced Cucumber
¼ cup Minced Onion
1 tsp. Fresh Lemon Juice
Directions: Mix all ingredients in a large bowl, chill in the refrigerator.
(Note: This is one of the most simple and surprisingly delicious sauces I have tasted in a while. I highly recommend it.)
Maurice’s Reaction: *refuses to touch sauce* “It’s still too dry. I suppose that’s what the sauce is for?” *still refuses to touch sauce*
SUMMER FRIED RICE
Ingredients:
Summer Squash Matchsticks Diced Zucchini
Long Grain White Rice
One Egg
Sliced Scallions
Chopped Basil
Directions: Cook rice. Fry zucchini in a pan with scallions and basil until soft, add rice and egg, fry the mixture together until the egg is fully cooked. Serve hot or cold.
Maurice’s Reaction: "You're not a salt person, are you?"
QUESADILLAS
Ingredients:
Tortillas
Monterrey Jack Mozzarella, Emmental, and Comte Cheeses
Turkey (for him)
Minced Red Peppers (for me)
Red Onions
Yellow Onions
Spinach
Chopped Cilantro
Tomato Salsa
Paprika
Directions: Fry onions until soft, combine all ingredients between two tortillas and fry, flipping when the cheese is sufficiently melted to hold the contents together.
Maurice’s Reaction: “I always thought Mexican food was supposed to have more spice.”
CROQUE MONSIEUR MACARONI & CHEESE
1/2 lb. Ziti Leftover Spiral Pasta
2 cups Milk
2 cups Coarsely Grated Gruyere Cheese
1 cup Leftover Finely Grated Parmesan Cheese
Leftover Emmental Cheese
2 Large Eggs
3 slices White Sandwich Bread Bread Crumbs
2 Tbsp Unsalted Butter + more for greasing
1 Medium Onion, diced
1 clove Garlic, minced
3 Tbsp. All Purpose Flour
Pinch ofCayenne Pepper Paprika
1/8 tsp.Freshly Grated Nutmeg
Spoonful Dijon Mustard
Salt
8 oz. Thinly Sliced Boiled Ham
Directions: Cook pasta and toss with 1/4 cup milk. Combine 1/4 cup milk, eggs, bread crumbs, and half of all cheese. Cook onion and garlic in saucepan with butter 2 minutes, add flour and all spices and cook another two minutes, then add 3/4 cup water, mustard, and remaining milk. Bring sauce to boil and whisk until thick before removing from heat, cooling slightly, and whisking in remaining cheese. Toss sauce with pasta and spread in casserole dish, layering in ham. Top casserole with bread crumb mixture and bake until golden and bubbly, about twenty minutes.
Maurice's Reaction: "This is good..." But he thought the leftovers were disgusting.
That tiny triumph led into me making two separate versions of rice pudding for Maurice's half birthday, which he insisted we celebrate. (Believe it or not, he had no idea there was anything like stevia or sucralose out there, despite being diabetic!) There was a traditional English pudding that was super simple and bland, but it ended up burning after thirty minutes of the two and a half hours it said it needed in the oven anyway. The stove top version made with raisins and an egg, however, was spectacular, and definitely worth exporting back home. And so we end with a triumph! But I don't have the rice pudding recipe in front of me, so you'll just have to ask if you want to try that one yourselves. If you decide to test out any of the others though, I hope you enjoy!
Being in charge of food can be difficult in the most advantageous of circumstances, on a boat where you only have electricity every other day, dishes are only ever mostly clean, and your primary audience eats like a picky four year old, it is a harrowing trial. I’ve explained about the electricity issues already, and you’ve probably got some sense of Maurice’s cleaning habits. When he does the dishes it’s usually no more than a rinse, and I have yet to see him use soap or replace the filthy sponges. I’ve chalked it up to strengthening my immune system though. The real trouble is the list of things he won’t eat.
To start with he told me on the very first day he refuses to touch anything with tomatoes, peppers, mushrooms, garlic, olives or vinegar. He doesn’t like nuts, is not a fan of salad, and turns up his nose at any vegetables that aren’t thoroughly cooked. I have since learned that this predilection of his for the states of foods is more troublesome even than the foods themselves. Accepting that peppers and tomatoes are a staple of my stationary diet, even foods we agree on turn into problems. “These carrots are too bendy, those pears are hard as wood.” You’d think for someone living on a decrepit old boat he’d have developed an ability to give and take, and yet he has to be one of the pickiest eaters I have ever met.
He’s not mean about it at least. I have served several meals over which he was less than enthused, and while he wasn’t necessarily grateful for the trouble, he did at least attempt to eat. The quiche was finished, but had a “strange texture.” The pesto sauce on rigatoni, to circumvent his tomato aversion, was unceremoniously scraped aside and the remaining pasta drenched in cheese to overcome the lingering traces of sauce. The falafel wasn’t received too badly. It reminded him of the fish cakes he sometimes makes. Whenever he decides he’s having fruit and toast for dinner though, he does tend to sneer at the plate of raw spinach and string beans I bring out for myself. And he's very proud of the fact that he doesn't eat lentils, not because he doesn't like them, but because they're a hippy food.
I wouldn’t have minded so much if this behavior didn’t make it all seem like more trouble than it was worth. The quiche was done without electricity or a recipe, and the pesto was a three day ordeal to collect all the ingredients and find enough electricity to work the blender. The falafel, also without electricity, had to be mashed and pureed by hand, and boy did my arms hurt the next morning. All of this pickiness, and from an Englishman no less, makes me sometimes think it’s no wonder the country never developed an exportable cuisine. The last time he made a full meal it was a abominable vegetable soup that had to be soaked up with a baguette to be palatable. From his insistence that I have the leftovers, he must have known it as well, not that he would ever admit that tiny shortcoming.
Regardless of all the struggle to feed him, however, it’s nice to have a kitchen, no matter how ill outfitted. I can eat more or less what I like (as long as I've done the shopping), and for the first week or so I was eating quite well. Plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables, yogurt and eggs and beans for protein, spinach for iron, coffee at leisure; it’s instant sometimes, but some things can’t be helped. And then there is the deliciousness that is the bakeries found in every town. That was where my good eating habits started to go down hill.
In rural French villages, you can be sure of finding two things: a church and a bakery. If you’re lucky, there may be a post office. Anything else and it’s a coiffure. But there is always a bakery. When I wander around exploring then it’s all to tempting to stop and buy a baguette, or a croissant, or escargot au raisan, or pain au chocolate. I tried not to eat so much bread, I promise. But it’s France, and the bread is delicious, and eventually I gave up.
As for the other things I’m eating, I’ve included a few vague recipes with some edits alongside so you can see the substitutions I’ve had to make.
------------------------------
STIR FRIED RICE
Ingredients:
Long Grain White Rice
Carrots
Runner Beans
Potatoes
Soy Sauce
Salt & Pepper
Directions: Cook rice, stir fry vegetables in soy sauce until soft, mix together with more soy sauce to taste and serve.
Maurice’s Response: “Is that all?”
CRUSTLESS QUICHE
Ingredients:
4 Eggs
Onion
Carrots
Runner Beans
Cantal Cheese, Shredded from Block
Salt & Pepper
Splash of Milk
Directions: Chop vegetables, grate cheese, beat together with eggs, bake in a greased pie pan for 45 minutes.
Maurice’s Reaction: “I don’t know what this is, but it’s not quiche.”
SOUTHWEST FALAFEL
Ingredients:
15 oz.
½ cup Shredded
¼ cup
2 Tbsp. Chopped Scallions
1 Tbsp. Chopped Cilantro
⅛ tsp. Ground Cumin
1 Large Egg White
Directions:
Maurice’s Reaction: “This reminds me of the tuna fish cakes I sometimes make. Now where’s the main course?”
MACADAMIA NUT PESTO FETTUCCINE
Ingredients:
9 oz.
3 cups Fresh Basil
¼ cup
3 Tbsp. Toasted
2 Tbsp. Fresh Lemon Juice
¾ tsp. Salt
¼ tsp. Black Pepper
Grated Parmesan Cheese
Directions: Cook pasta, blend next six ingredients in a food processor, serve with sauce and Parmesan on top.
Maurice’s Reaction: *tastes one fork tine of sauce, silently scrapes off the rest and drenches pasta in three types of cheese*
BLACK BEAN CAKES
Ingredients:
15 oz. can
3 Eggs
¼ cup Chopped Green Onions
2 Tbsp. Chopped Cilantro
¾ tsp. Ground Cumin
¼ tsp. Salt
¼ tsp. Ground
Bread Crumbs
Directions: Blend lentils and 1 egg in a food processor, mix in a bowl with next five ingredients and enough bread crumbs to thicken the mixture enough to form cakes, divide mixture into three or four cakes, bread in remaining bread crumbs, fry in oil. Serve with a fried egg on the side.
Maurice’s Reaction: “I taste something I don’t recognize. And it’s too dry. Needs sauce.”
FALAFEL WITH CUCUMBER YOGURT SAUCE
Ingredients - Falafel:
15.5 oz. Chickpeas
¼ cup Minced Red Onion
1 Tbsp. Dijon Mustard
1 tsp. Ground Cumin
½ tsp. Paprika
¼ tsp. Black Pepper
⅛ tsp. Salt
2 Eggs
Directions: Blend all ingredients in a food processor, fry into cakes or, if you can manage it, balls. Serve with cucumber yogurt sauce.
Ingredients - Cucumber Yogurt Sauce:
1 cup Plain Fat-Free Yogurt
½ cup Diced Cucumber
¼ cup Minced Onion
1 tsp. Fresh Lemon Juice
Directions: Mix all ingredients in a large bowl, chill in the refrigerator.
(Note: This is one of the most simple and surprisingly delicious sauces I have tasted in a while. I highly recommend it.)
Maurice’s Reaction: *refuses to touch sauce* “It’s still too dry. I suppose that’s what the sauce is for?” *still refuses to touch sauce*
SUMMER FRIED RICE
Ingredients:
Long Grain White Rice
One Egg
Sliced Scallions
Chopped Basil
Directions: Cook rice. Fry zucchini in a pan with scallions and basil until soft, add rice and egg, fry the mixture together until the egg is fully cooked. Serve hot or cold.
Maurice’s Reaction: "You're not a salt person, are you?"
QUESADILLAS
Ingredients:
Tortillas
Turkey (for him)
Minced Red Peppers (for me)
Red Onions
Yellow Onions
Spinach
Chopped Cilantro
Paprika
Directions: Fry onions until soft, combine all ingredients between two tortillas and fry, flipping when the cheese is sufficiently melted to hold the contents together.
Maurice’s Reaction: “I always thought Mexican food was supposed to have more spice.”
CROQUE MONSIEUR MACARONI & CHEESE
2 cups Milk
2 cups Coarsely Grated Gruyere Cheese
Leftover Emmental Cheese
2 Large Eggs
2 Tbsp Unsalted Butter + more for greasing
1 Medium Onion, diced
3 Tbsp. All Purpose Flour
Pinch of
1/8 tsp.
Spoonful Dijon Mustard
Salt
Directions: Cook pasta and toss with 1/4 cup milk. Combine 1/4 cup milk, eggs, bread crumbs, and half of all cheese. Cook onion and garlic in saucepan with butter 2 minutes, add flour and all spices and cook another two minutes, then add 3/4 cup water, mustard, and remaining milk. Bring sauce to boil and whisk until thick before removing from heat, cooling slightly, and whisking in remaining cheese. Toss sauce with pasta and spread in casserole dish
Maurice's Reaction: "This is good..." But he thought the leftovers were disgusting.
That tiny triumph led into me making two separate versions of rice pudding for Maurice's half birthday, which he insisted we celebrate. (Believe it or not, he had no idea there was anything like stevia or sucralose out there, despite being diabetic!) There was a traditional English pudding that was super simple and bland, but it ended up burning after thirty minutes of the two and a half hours it said it needed in the oven anyway. The stove top version made with raisins and an egg, however, was spectacular, and definitely worth exporting back home. And so we end with a triumph! But I don't have the rice pudding recipe in front of me, so you'll just have to ask if you want to try that one yourselves. If you decide to test out any of the others though, I hope you enjoy!
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